cozy blogging, creative writing, diary, Personal, poetry, spilled thoughts

blurring the line between prayer and poetry

tonight i wrote a new poem for the first time in at least four months
i wasn’t sure where this was going when it started but i think i do now… i’m always learning. maybe one day i’ll be able to retain the lessons Spirit shares with me. i’m never alone. we’re never alone.
we can overcome the obstacles in front of us. Spirit be with all of us ❤

i am in no hurry to get home
the quiet suffocates these hollow bones
and i can’t handle the stillness anymore
i am uneasy
lost in my own mind
and unsure of what to do with these stranger’s hands
the clock keeps ticking
the minutes drag on for miles
but i am never ready for the alarm to ring
my time feels up and over
and i am just dragging my feet
i know i must let this curtain fall before me
but i keep finding new lines to read
and now i am just gushing words
a tidal waves surges in my gut
and the levee breaks
words transform into wails
and i can’t hold back screams
don’t make me do this
i’m yelling through sobs
but no one is here to hear me
this tantrum is for no one but my own twisted self
but i can’t see past the lies i’ve been steeping in
She steps in
wraps Her hands around mine
and inhales my insecurities
i am melting in Her aura and realigning with my Highest Self
i have missed Your embrace and the gentleness of Your smile
and yet i haven’t called
and yet You call to me
why do i never grasp the meaning on this lesson
one day i will walk with You
hand in hand and holding on to the hope of a brighter horizon
but for now i will follow in Your footsteps
as You guide me by moonlight
bless this path You pave
keep showing me the way

Personal

Allow Me To (Re)Introduce Myself

hello all.

i’d love to take this opportunity to (re)introduce myself as i’m starting to expand my vision and my community!

my name is Megan Marie and I am a writer, spiritualist, and self-love advocate.

i have been writing for as long as I can remember. a collection of short stories from third grade about my cat adventuring into outer space; and stories from eighth grade surrounding unrequited young love. always a bit shy and reserved; my thoughts and emotions found new and better homes with a pen in my hand.

in my freshman year of high school, at only 15, my life was spun into chaos and upheaval. i was assaulted by a significant other and developed PTSD, severe anxiety, and suicidal depression. i was taken out of school and isolated for most of my formative years leaving me with only my overwhelming grief and my journal.

i began to write moody, tumblr-esque poetry; never sharing them, usually tearing them apart or burning them afterwards. but it was cathartic.

the summer after i graduated high school i began to try to heal. 

it had been a long journey. three years of self harm, self loathing, and suicidal ideation. i spent most of this time in doctors offices but the days, weeks, and months blurred together from the cocktail of medication i was being prescribed. but i was ready to take my power back; or at least begin to try.

i had one question that i sought to answer — “Why?”

like most, i dove headfirst into religion.

believing in God or in a God was something that felt very important to me. but my experiences with faith growing up made me question and doubt a lot.

i was not raised strictly religious. both of my parents are Christians but we never frequented a specific church. i spent a handful of summers at church camp with a friend; but as i grew, the lessons they were teaching just led me to more questions. 

one of the first moments that shook my faith was the death of my grandpa. i had always been taught that when people die they go to Heaven — if they are Christian. and i knew that he was not. i was left with so many questions; so many worries. there is a vivid memory in my mind’s eye of me sitting at my grandma’s desk after his funeral coloring a picture of my grandpa as an angel; but he was floating just below the stagnant cloud line because he couldn’t get into Heaven. it traumatized me.

as i grew, weekends became more for science fair projects than bible studies. but on those occasions where we did make it to church I always felt out of place. i remember memorizing verses; there was a line i didn’t understand and when i asked what it meant i was told “it doesn’t matter what it means; you just need to be able to quote it.” and this never did feel right to me.

with those instances in mind and an extended family full of zealots, i knew i had to venture away from the path that had been laid for me and begin to forge my own.

i began to explore. i read anything and everything i could get my hands on. from rereading the Bible to studying Hindu deities, astrology, mythology, anything that i could find a sense of meaning in.

i found energy work.

the idea that the body holds different forms and different sources of energy, the way these energies manifest and balance in the body. 

energy work clicked for me. if we know that it cannot be created or destroyed then it must go somewhere into the world around us. the transmutation of energy.

this branched into grounding exercises and visualization meditations. i started honing my mind’s eye and tapping into my inherent intuition.

while i was working at a bookstore, i was stocking the shelves and an aisle over a book fell to the ground. it was The Everyday Witch Tarot Deck. the cover shows a young, purple haired witch – my signature color at the time – playing a flute as her feline friend chases the music notes.

i knew she was meant for me.

i developed a relationship with my deck. as i’ve done with each deck since. i studied every detail on every card. i researched the original artwork on the original decks, the stories and mythos behind them. tarot became an integral part of my craft and practice.

over time i started to develop my own sense of spirituality and faith; finding roots in Gaia, Mother Earth, and noticing synchronicities in what i was studying and how it related to my own life. 

i was beginning to piece together my own little puzzle in this world after being broken apart for so long.

i had died and i was being reborn.

a cycle that i still, and will continue to, repeat through this one cycle on Gaia. 

on my five year anniversary clean from self harm i self published my first poetry collection. this collection was so raw, so rough. poems from old journals, half thoughts from 3am, it was just as messy as i felt at the time. 

having this collection out into the world brought back a swell of emotions. this sense of release and catharsis almost became a trigger in itself. but it was what i needed at that time.

for every Tower Moment i have faced, every moment where the entire foundation shakes and falls apart, i have found a way to rise from the ashes.

i have always found ways to clear the dust and rebuild.

i feel as though i’m in a transitional period in my life again; another Tower Moment has taken place, and now i must begin the work to rise again.

but this time i have found what i want to do and be in this lifetime. i have found a purpose.

we all experience these Deaths throughout life. facing them alone was one of the hardest lessons i’ve ever had to learn; in any lifetime. and it is my dream now to give others transitioning through these cycles someone to be on their team and by their side.

i am striving to create a sacred safe space for growth and healing through a blend of mental health and spiritual wellness.

FreeLove Coven is my collective, my community.

my ultimate goal is to host expressive art healing sessions in a live-in community. i want to buy a farm and become self-sustaining. i want to host healing retreats and live classes; one on one and in groups.

i am currently pursuing a degree in psychology with the long term goal being a license in Expressive Arts Therapy. but i still have quite a ways to go.

i am currently living behind my parents house with my partner of six year. the pandemic broke apart any means of stability we had and ripped away our chances at independence.

i am unable to work at this time.

i have had three different jobs since the world “re-opened”. but i was never able to make it work. i would become hysterical before work; sobbing all the way there just to turn around and go home; if i even made it out of the house at all.

my social anxiety was transforming into agoraphobia. the isolation triggered a massive backslide for me in my journey through recovery and healing.

but i’m trying to find ways to make a living working for myself. 

i currently offer spiritual services like tarot readings and spellwork, energy healing, custom poetry here and there, the occasional art piece.

but my goal is to open my own little brick and mortar space for energetic healing and spiritual services. which can then be enlarged to the farm i have envisioned after a period of success and growth.

step one in this journey, though, is to be financially independent enough to have my own living space. we’re beginning to look for an apartment. 

i truly believe that once i’m given the proper space to grow and flourish i’ll be able to make my goals come to fruition. i just need the space.

but i’m starting here, now, messy and not well versed. 

i’m recording videos with guided art healing lessons and expanding my services to live sessions through zoom.

i’m starting small; but i’m starting. i’m picking the pieces back up and beginning to begin again.

i thank you for being here. for taking the time to read through this section of my story. 

i hope you enjoy reading my poetry, my spiritual and personal essays, and viewing my art.

i can’t wait to bloom with all of you.

*

If you would like to follow along in my journey or help me grow, please consider checking out my patreon. It is the central hub for all of my content with early access and exclusive content just for patrons. I believe that all forms of healing and spiritualty should be accessible to all, so I offer free tarot card pulls and spell work to all of my patrons at any time – only $1/month ❤

Thank you so much!

cozy blogging, Personal, spilled thoughts

spilled thoughts || long day and sleepless night… 3/2/22

hi friends it’s 10:28pm and i am exhausted

i didn’t sleep well at all last night and woke up because of stress dreams. but i really worked my ass off to turn my day around and stay on track

it only kind of worked

but today is a new moon in pisces! i wrote out a list of manifestations and things i’d love to accomplish this cycle! i also wrote and performed a spell for myself my patrons on patreon!

i saw an old friend today too. it was weird in all honesty. i have a lot of emotions lately about repeating old cycles and stepping into new possibilities— i’m confused and conflicted but i’m trying to work through it

anyways… i’m really tired. i didn’t get through most of my daily habits in my tracker and i’m just winding down now.. i think it’s time for rest.

i hope the new moon treated everyone well and you all come into the life you’ve always dreamed of

if you’d like to support me and see more of my work please consider checking out my patreon! you can also be included in my spells and get free tarot readings! thanks for reading!

Personal, spilled thoughts

spilled thoughts — a living journal|| 3/1/22

hi hey hello theydies and gentlethems!

today is the first of the month and i would like to partake in a new venture of journaling every day so welcome to my living journal 🙂

every night for the next month i’m going to hop over here and talk about my day. maybe track my moods and share some behind the scenes snippets of my creative process 🙂

so let’s see…

today was the first good day i’ve had in a WHILE!

i got most of my daily habits done, did some tarot readings on the timeline, and even got an amazing flow of unexpected income and i am feeling hashtag blessed :,)

i’m just really trying to lay the groundwork of some big moves i have planned for this month! i’m hoping to finish the second edition of my poetry collection this month and i’m trying to work on it every single day! i think i can do it!

i’m about halfway through my semester at school! i aced my midterm!!! i’m so excited to be back in school and working toward a degree i’m passionate about ❤

i’m already feeling like march is going to be my best month yet

february was… HARD

after will and i got covid late january i just haven’t been able to bounce back

super low energy, brain fog, it’s been bad :/

but — BUT

i’m starting to clear the ruble and rebuild

so that’s where i am! and i’ll be working everyday to get a groove going and stay consistent! that’s my goal— consistency!

“aim for progress; not perfection.”

we got this!!

thanks so much for being here! if you’d like to support me please consider checking out my patreon! i also offer free poems and tarot readings! thanks loves!!!

creative writing, MMTPoetry365, Personal

She guides me home… 2/365

today is the New Moon in Capricorn! what a great day to set intentions for career, wealth, and abundance — time to release the weight of the past and strive forward, stronger than ever.

today’s poem is for the moon…

#mmtpoetry365

2/365

the sun falls fast

darkness creeps in and up around me

but then she appears

sailing in an ocean of stars

gleaming in the night

she guides me home

***

Everything written here can also be found on my patreon!
By supporting me for $1 you gain access to more of my personal writings, free spells and tarot readings, cute pictures of my cat, and all my love and gratitude.
For the New Moon today I performed a collective spell for wealth, support, and abundance! See you there! 🙂

MMTPoetry365, Personal, poetry

i’m coming home… poem 1 of 365

starting the new year off strong

they say the way you spend new years is how the rest of your year will go… i think i’m setting up a good one

spent the day with my love and my family; cleaned the house, cleansed the house; set a good foundation; if i do say so myself 

starting my goal of writing a new poem everyday this year—

#mmtpoetry365

1/365

i face myself in the mirror 

i had forgotten the beauty hidden there

a soft smile draws on her face as our eyes meet

i put my hand out to meet hers 

i missed her; i missed myself

but i’m starting to remember who i am

who i was

who i can still become

and i’m coming home

MMTPoetry365, Personal, poetry

a poem for my lover

trying for a little consistency 

#mmtpoetry365

0.1/365

my eyes flutter open as daybreak hits the window

i roll onto my side and gaze across the form of your sleeping figure next to me

my hands drifts lazily up your side and into your sleep tossed hair

i hear your breath change as the morning air fills your lungs

you turn to me; eyes still filled with sleep

and a sleepy smile draws across your face

“good morning beautiful”

— a morning ritual

MMTPoetry365, Personal, poetry

Coming Home

january is my month.

2022 is my year.

im dusting off the cobwebs and setting up the groundwork for some big moves i plan on making. im working to be more consistent and hold myself accountable. 

for a while, i forgot what i wanted. lost site of my vision, my purpose, my own self. but i’m dedicated to turning that around.

there are so many things i want to regain, relearn, and step further into.

im going back to being a vegetarian and i’m going back to doing yoga everyday.

im going to get back to the roots of what i believe; read more, learn more, come back to my craft.

i had a crisis of faith in all honesty. these past two months were very hard for me. but i’m starting to get a clearer vision of who i’d like to become and damn if i’m not determined to get there. i want to live more in balance. more in tune with my Highest Self. i miss Them. 

i miss writing more than anything. and i think i’m going to start writing chapbooks again. i’d love to publish one bimonthly and i’m going to start by writing a new poem everyday for the whole year.

#mmtpoetry365

this is one of the many things i’m aiming for this year but some are still in progress…

here’s a poem i wrote today to try to get back into it… 

•••••

0/365

words used to pour out of me 

unfiltered

until 3am

and now 

here i am

hitting enter too many times in a notes app

pretending to know where i’m going with this

i’m not sorry things unfolded the way they did

but i do miss some parts

sometimes

if only to recapture the rush of it all

the falling and the flying

all at once

maybe i’ll never know loneliness again

what a blessing that could be

but what if

in return

i lose those hidden feelings

hidden behind my eyes

— have i lost my sight?

Personal

a reintroduction

my name is megan marie and i am a writer, creator, and freelovingwitch.

i have always loved writing. my mind has always been messy; but i found it much easier to untangle that web with a pen in my hand. as my life unfolded before me, my mind turned on itself — paranoia crept into the corners and nightmares haunted my time alone. creating became my catharsis.

i learned to love myself again through forms of art. i wrote my way out of my self proclaimed labyrinth of suffering. i cast my fears out of the shadows with each stroke of paint. i began to see my own self as a work of art.

in finding myself, i strengthened my trust in the world around me and came to find my own path to equanimity. i learned to trust myself, my Highest Self, and my passionate heart. and thus gave rise to FreeLove.

FreeLove is the path that i have created from a culmination of what i always believed in and what i now strive to be. it’s a path of radical love and empathy; a path of connection rather than division.

FreeLove is my mission now — i aim to help heal the collective by teaching individuals how to come home to themselves.

i’m working towards a degree in Psychology with a focus in counseling. i’m striving to become an art therapist so that i can connect with my community and help them learn the tools they need to survive, cope, grow, and heal.

i’m working everyday to pave this path for myself and for my collective.

thank you for being on this journey with me.

Personal

progress over perfection and CBT lessons

i’ll be honest; i haven’t been doing well

and to be even more honest, i’m getting really tired of saying that

“so sick and tired of being sick and tired”

i had a pretty good week last week – but then hormones kicked my ass and now i think i have the flu and damn if this isn’t wreaking havoc on my body and my depression

it’s hard

but every day i’m trying to take baby steps to take care of myself

i’ve been doing CBT lessons daily and this last one i did was about reenergizing yourself after a slump and trying to get motivation back — it was actually quite cathartic

it talked about how a lot of times when we’ve fallen into a slump we start feeling bogged down by all the stuff we feel like we “should” or “have to” do

but in all reality; the stuff that gives us that energy and motivation are the things we love the most, have the most passion about, and enjoy or miss doing

and so here i am

once again trying to write my way out of the labyrinth that is my mind

it’s messy here; but i’m trying to dust off the cobwebs

today’s writing will be short and sweet

(just like me)

but i’m hoping it gets me back in the groove

i haven’t really been journaling lately but i’d really like to — i think i’ll try to do that today too

maybe i’ll even come up with a half thoughts poem or something like i used to 

i’ve been trying to track my habits daily — how often i write, blog, post to patreon, read, create, etc

it’s been a little messy this month but i’m miles away from where i was stuck in november and, even it when it doesn’t feel like it, that’s fuckn progress 

one of these days i’ll have a routine

one of these days i’ll have the energy to do all the things i love 

one of these days i’ll get back to being myself

but until then; i will keeping tallying my habits and looking for progress

“progress not perfection” above all else